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God is not in a box and will not be placed into one. Isaiah 55 8 tells us quot I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work. quot With this foundation let’s move to what God really says very clearly about sexual activity for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating . The Apostle Paul uses the word “fornication” when describing sexual sin. Fornication is defined as any sexual activity outside of marriage. The Message translates Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 6 18 “There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love for quot becoming one quot with another. Recreational sex is a widely accepted practice – even among many Christian singles engaged in Christian dating . This view says that God made our sexual appetites and there is no harm in mutual consent sexual activity. Not only does Paul/God clearly state that it is a sin outside of God’s will it causes us harm. How so The US Center for Disease Control web site tells us that 1 out of 5 adolescents and adults in the US have genital herpes. http // cdc.gov/std/Herpes/STDFact-Herpes.htm. I invite Christian singles engaged in Christian dating to read my article that There is a direct disease connection to the practice of recreation sex yes even among Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. No one will dispute the high divorce rate that we have today even among Christians. I believe that this is another illustration in how recreational sex and the general application of selfish desires has a negative impact on our lives. God intended sex for two reasons 1 procreation and 2 the ongoing connection of two become one flesh in marriage. For other Christian singles engaged in Christian dating to practice recreational sex is to play games with our inner spirit by feeding it a diet of voices that say “this is the one” – no – “this is the one” – no – “this one is now the one.” The fact is that then Christian singles engaged in Christian dating loose touch with reality and become incapable of discerning when we are in the presence of a real potential relationship that leads to marriage. Recreational sex only serves a selfish purpose. It is not about valuing the other person as a whole person but as an object of desire. It ignores the other ingredients so essential in building a healthy and fulfilling relationship. I see it more like one that insists on eating a diet completely of sugar and then wondering why they do not have the strength and stamina for enjoying life. It is so askew to one element of a relationship that it destroys the other elements. I have yet to find any Christian singles engaged in Christian dating that practice recreational sex be able to focus on the deeper elements of a Christian dating relationship in a healthy manner. Once sex enters the picture it takes over the Christian dating relationship and everything is dictated by how it might affect the sex life. This sets into motion the actions that destroy relationships for Christian singles engaged in serious Christian dating. There is more and I invite you to begin an earnest study of the truth and how it applies to recreational sex. God has not changed His mind. Truth is not altered by desire or wishes on the part of Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. Truth is still the truth and God is all about the truth that will set us free. I pray that God uses this to encourage all Christian singles engaged in Christian dating to make choices that move them toward the joy and fulfillment they are seeking and away from those choices that imprison and set Christian singles into a spiraling confusing disappointing direction. Christian dating can only be blessed by God when Christian singles obey God. In His love Pastor Jim BigChurch This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating quot Should Christian singles engaged in Christian dating have sex while dating to be sure they are compatible before marriage quot BY DR. JIM RIVES So many emails from Christian singles revolve around sex and the single life premarital sex during Christian dating. One would think that all the other systems essential for living are placed on hold while one is a single Christian engaged in Christian dating. There is nothing new about the angles that are used to justify sex outside of marriage. The Old Testament if filled with how the sexual aspect of life negatively influenced someone Samson David . One of the most out of control sexual philosophies that is being spread today even among Christian singles engaged in Christian dating is the idea that to be sure that there is sexual compatibility in marriage the couple must experience premarital sex during Christian dating. This premise is not just promoted by men but many women are promoting it as well. I can think of nothing further from the truth than what this premise represents. There are several reasons that I suggest this is a total lie and actually leads to destruction of the relationship versus moving it forward There is no way to have an accurate number but I can tell you that the overwhelming number of emails from Christian singles engaged in Christian dating that I receive about this topic tell me how this leads either immediately or soon thereafter to the demise of the relationship. The ones where it did not immediately lead to the end of the relationship it lead to confusion guilt and difficulty of getting the relationship back to a healthy place for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. Let’s state it like it really is. Any sexual relationship outside of marriage is a fantasy and the elements are not a true setting for what sex will be like in a marriage. I am not saying that sex in marriage is boring or not filled with excitement. I am saying that there is a condition prevalent in sex outside of marriage that is akin to forbidden fruit. Forbidden fruit always taste good to the lips but oh what it does to the internal organs Sex was created for two main purposes procreation and intimacy of a married couple. The intimacy designed by God to be enjoyed by a couple goes deeper than the physical aspect. It is a union of the spirits at the very deepest level. When a couple has sex outside of marriage they are creating a false God for their spirits. 1Corinthians 6 tells us that we are called to live our lives in purity with Christ. It continues to say that we are not to take His Spirit within us and place it with a harlot. When Christian singles engaged in Christian dating choose to have sex outside of marriage they are taking the Jesus within them and placing Him with a harlot. Is that a little strong Yes it is and it is the truth. For when Christian singles engaged in Christian dating practice sex outside of marriage they place themselves in the same definition as a harlot. A harlot is one who has sex for a price. The price does not have to be money but paid by pleasure. It is still a harlot. I am deeply troubled by the number of reports that I receive about ministers or Christian leaders who are rampantly promoting the theory that Christian singles engaged in Christian dating must have sex before marriage. There is no other way to say it than this is self-centeredness and placing their own desires above the care and protection of others. God will judge them and I urge those with such a philosophy to confess their sin before God and embrace the way of purity. Marriage is not like buying a car or a new TV. It is a spiritual union that is combined and protected by God. Good sex is not measured by how fast one can jump into bed and gain a quick thrill. Good sex is developed over time out of trust and intimacy shared and nurtured between a married couple. God designed sex to bond a couple and to grow from time and love. And not for Christian singles engaged in Christian dating. In His love Pastor Jim BigChurch This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating quot What about Christian Dating and Signals quot BY DR. JIM RIVES Sometimes it is just plane scary for Christian singles to initiate a Christian dating relationship. Fear of rejection is very real. One of the hardest things to figure out is why some Christian singles get rejected in Christian dating. What vibes or signals are you sending out even before you start dating If you are alive and breathing you are sending out signals. These signals are much like radio signals in that the human eye cannot see them but they can certainly be felt. Where did the signals come from and how do they impact our lives I am glad that you asked First allow me to share some illustrations of “signals” that I have experienced in relating to Christian singles. Some things become very apparent within a few minutes of relating to Christian singles who are interested in Christian dating - if they are aggressively seeking a mate - how they feel about themselves - if they have a sense of hope and purpose - that they have been taken advantage of by someone and likely to be hurt again in their next Christian dating encounters - whether or not they have an inner guidance system or are the result of a free-for-all life These and many other signals are very apparent to others – some more than others. Do most Christian singles know what signals they are sending out Perhaps you are asking for trouble It could be that your signals are repelling others and keeping you from connecting as you deeply desire. I suggest that it is very important to discover what signals you are sending out and whether or not they are making a positive contribution to your life. Signals as I am using the term are those nonverbal fields of energy and force which we emanate from deep within our being. It may change your facial expression your posture body language or the way you walk and talk. These signals had their origin in our thoughts that “chose” to repeat the thoughts over and over. The repetition serves as a diet to our spirits and over time usually about four or more weeks our spirits begin to believe what they are being fed. It makes no difference whether or not it is the truth the spirit only knows that this is consuming your thoughts and embraces that this is what you wish to happen. The result is that the spirit generates the signals that go out to the world about Christian singles like you and into the hearts and minds of other Christian singles you would like as potential Christian dating partners. This silent element of our lives is many times more powerful than the visible world that we experience. It is a major contribution to whether or not you will experience healthy and fulfilling relationships. Awareness is the first key to understanding your signals. Consider what consumes your thoughts most of the time. Where is it that your mind likes to dwell and keep playing the record over and over again Is this a positive or negative thing Whichever it is determines the diet that Christian singles are feeding their spirit and providing the fuel for negative or positive signals. This is one of the most significant keys to understanding much of life. Understanding this key will allow you to realize some significant positive changes in your experiences with other Christian singles. While it may not change the entire negative into positive it will bring peace and inner joy as you have these experiences with other Christian singles. God’s love for you and the value that he places on your life is the foundation for approaching your signals. God created you and it is through him that you and I can gain real wisdom and the power and understanding to find the keys for successful living. This article is meant to serve as a button to cause Christian singles to stop and think about the signals that Christian singles are sending out. God wants Christian singles to be free and living life to the fullness he created Christian singles to experience not only in Christian dating but in every relationship. John 8 32 Then you will experience for yourselves the truth and the truth will free you. quot In His love Pastor Jim BigChurch This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating Do you believe in “soul mates” BY DR. JIM RIVES The phrase “soul mate” is often included in emails I get from Christian singles who are interested in Christian dating or I am asked if there is such a thing as a soul mate because Christian singles are either dating or interested in dating their soul mate. The Bible does not discuss this concept but it certainly is used a lot among Christian singles and even by a large Christian dating service called BigChurch So is there really a soul mate for all the Christian singles out there who are interested in dating him or her Did God invent soul mates or is that a man-made concept For almost all Christian singles interested in Christian dating or currently engaged in Christian dating there is a desire to find someone who is a “perfect” match. Although this is but a thought it really surfaces when Christian singles meet someone who appears to meet all their expectations. The other person says the right things likes the same things as they do and just seems to know exactly what to do to please them. The feeling is so overwhelming and it seems like a divine appointment. Is this really a soul mate There are times in life when we suddenly find another person and it just “clicks”. The attraction is there and the initial compatibility is awesome. The relationship is off to a great start and expectations begin to build. At the very best this is a wonderful Christian dating fantasy period for Christian singles and there is nothing wrong with enjoying it. The challenge is to keep it in perspective and not move to quickly. Every Christian dating relationship needs to spend time to grow at a healthy pace. Too often what appears unbelievably positive at the beginning proves to be highly undesirable a few months later. Every relationship has to work through a process to be complete. Christian singles will either work on this before they marry or after – but Christian singles will work on it. Guess which time is best While some Christian singles may find someone that they think is their soul mate most of us do not have this experience when we meet others. I suggest that it is unhealthy to expect cannons bursting in air and a super attraction to automatically be present to PROVE that Christian singles have met their soul mate. Most Christian dating relationships that prove to be deeply loving and fulfilling come out of friendships that develop over time into a close Christian dating relationship. I do not have any facts to support this but I have strong reason to believe there are many marriages where they were not initially attracted to the person but that feeling developed over time. I know of some who could not stand each other initially but it later proved to be a highly successful relationship. The point – Christian singles should not sit around limiting their Christian dating to only those Christian singles with whom they believe are their soul mate. It is great if it happens and works out to be a super relationship. However enjoy those around you and spend your time and focus building great friendships and let God guide your Christian dating. Doing ministry together is sometimes more bonding than time spent in Christian dating. I close with a deeper thought. Does God predestine each of us engaged in Christian dating to whom we will marry While it is true that God cares for every element in our lives and knows ahead of time what choices we will make I find no scripture that states He selects our mates for us. Are there times when He does Perhaps but my experience reveals that He is more interested in Christian singles inviting Him into every process they undertake in life so that He can guide Christian singles to the best choices. Enjoy those around you now and allow the future to unfold with God’s guidance. In His love Pastor Jim BigChurch This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian dating what are the “NORMAL” stages in dating for Christian singles BY DR. JIM RIVES The media bombards Christian singles with sex and dating built appealing to our fantasies. There is a progression that should take place in building a Christian dating relationship. The following is offered as a short Christian dating guide for Christian singles to consider as they build a Christian dating relationship. Note As soon as I say Christian dating guide every single Christian reading this will think they are an exception and the timing noted does not apply to them. Yes – it does One of the strangest phenomenons that I have observed is that singles dating behavior is more common than most of us think. I encourage you to not look for the “exception” but where you can build the type Christian dating relationship that will serve you and your partner well for years to come. FANTASY STAGE 1 – 6 months 1. There is an attraction to each other and Christian singles immediately or soon thereafter think they have found their soul mate. Candidly there is really little more in the Christian dating relationship during this stage than “physical attraction”. 2. There is a temptation for Christian singles to begin saying “I love you” during this fantasy stage. What the expression really is saying is – “I am in love with the idea of being in love” AND “I really think you are the answer for ME” It is mostly self-serving. 3. The emphasis should be upon enjoying each other’s company and building a FRIENDSHIP and refraining from going any further. 4. After 2 to 3 months of this type of dating and it is mutually agreed the Christian dating relationship can move into an exclusive dating arrangement. This should be mutually agreed to and clearly understood by both Christian singles. 5. It is very important that each person have their own accountability group of their own gender. The progress of the Christian dating relationship should be shared so that their objectivity and accountability can be a valuable resource to the couple. AFFIRMING STAGE 6 – 12 months 1. Once a couple is satisfied that there is something to take to the next level the couple should develop a plan in how they can best get to know each other in “real settings” not just in Christian dating situations. This plan will include such things as spending time around family and close friends to enable each other to see how the other person builds and sustains all relationships. 2. I do not suggest that the couple spend all their time together at this stage. It is a temptation to do so but I suggest that it is actually unhealthy for the Christian dating relationship. Our emotions need to “grow” into this type of deep Christian dating relationship. Pushing the pace causes areas of each other’s character to not be observed. For example Can the couple enjoy their alone time as well as their together time If not what is the “force” at play that is “pushing” This often means that a healthy bonding is not taking place and the emphasis is upon self-satisfaction in this Christian dating relationship. 3. It is very important to look for CHARACTER issues in each other during this stage of Christian dating. Give yourself enough time and enough settings where character issues can surface. Why is this important Individuals can “mask” character issues for an extended period of time – especially a few months during the fantasy period of Christian dating. But character is the foundation upon which commitment is built. Character does not change just because one gets married. You need to know “what they are really like” before you move into a marital relationship. PRE-ENGAGEMENT STAGE 1 to 2 years 1. The couple has spent a good deal of time building their Christian dating relationship. They mutually agree that this relationship has the great potential of moving into marriage. It is important that there be a “pre” engagement period of time. There is no set time frame for a pre-engagement period. It is more important that the process be completed than the time completed. 2. Marital inventories and temperament sorting should be taken at this stage. These are a wonderful means of finding out which areas you are really in “sync” and where you are apart. It serves as a basis for building the Christian dating relationship into as healthy a one as possible BEFORE marriage. I highly recommend the inventories developed by Dr. David Olson that can be found at lifeinnovations . There are many counselors who can provide Christian singles with insights into the results found in these inventories. The Myers-Briggs temperament sorting is another excellent source of information that each person should know about themselves and each other. 3. At least 4 sessions should be spent with a Christian counselor who is trained in pre- marital counseling. It would be especially helpful to take the inventories mentioned above to the counselor for their input. 4. It is very important that the couple receive affirmations from family and friends during this stage. If they do not unless there is a good reason the couple should take the time to listen to the concerns and take steps to ensure that they are embracing and working through them. ENGAGEMENT STAGE 1. Once a couple arrives at the point that they “know” that they want to be married and have all the affirmations that they can receive they can move from the Christian dating stage with confidence into the engagement stage. 2. I do not recommend a prolonged engagement once the couple decides to get married. If they have done the process in a “seasoning” manner they should plan to marry as practical – with mutual agreement. I say this so that pre-marital sex will not be a temptation. MARRIAGE STAGE The couple should be able to enjoy the blessings of God as well as family and friends as they move into a marriage that has been well planned and confirmed in a healthy process. They can be assured that they have taken the steps to assure a long and satisfying marriage. There are so many voices at play in our world today. Many of these encourage us to rush into marriage with anyone as soon as we find a strong attraction. This is not wise and God wants to mature you in your Christian dating and bonding process. It is my prayer that Christian singles will use the above to develop their own Christian dating guide for building a strong and satisfying relationship. In His love Pastor Jim BigChurch This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating Advice how to start Dating again BY DR. JIM RIVES Written for Christian women but can be reversed to apply for Christian men For Christian singles contemplating Christian dating times have changed but values have not Am afraid that you will find more Christian men with less good manners and more into themselves. Here are some thoughts that come to mind as you consider Christian dating again 1. First very important build yourself a strong foundation of close Christian women friends. You should be accountable to each other open and vulnerable. This will be a great resource to you as you find a variety of situations. 2. What a Christian man or Christian singles in general puts in emails on paper or in their Christian dating profile is not always the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Take quot words quot - spoken or written - as AN indicator to be slowly confirmed over time. 3. Do not rush into anything. You will find Christian men who will quot fall in love quot with you at the drop of a hat. Their soothing words will be like fresh water in a desert to you. Be prepared for this and make sure that quot the process quot of Christian dating takes place over time before you allow your emotions to become engaged. 4. Internet dating is only one source of Christian dating - and frankly a dangerous one. While it increases your odds to meet someone it also increases your odds to get hurt. There is something about quot incognito quot behind the Internet that brings out strange behavior in people - especially men. I am not saying to not do this just be careful and use extra precaution in using Christian dating sites. 5. Expectations - this one gets ALL of us in trouble. It is a temptation to lead with your heart as you seek to find someone to come into your world to counter the loneliness etc. I strongly suggest that you do not place your expectations on other Christian singles that you meet for Christian dating but put ALL your expectations on God. He will provide the best - if you wait on Him. 6. Do not focus only on Christian dating online. Find out where Christian singles in your area meet for activities etc. This makes a great place to make friends and meet Christian men. Again I always caution in the expectations area. 7. Make friends - not seek a future mate. I find this an easier approach to Christian dating. When a friendship comes along that you mutually wish to develop more you will know it and can do so. Am sure that there are many more points but these are some that come to mind. May God guide bless and protect you in your Christian dating journey. In His love Pastor Jim BigChurch This is the largest Christian dating community on the internet . Christian Dating quot Two dates let’s get married quot BY DR. JIM RIVES A too common occurrence is taking place in the Christian singles Christian dating scene. It is VERY prevalent among single Christians who are either divorced or widowed. Allow me to describe the background. A couple of Christian singles meet and find that there are attractive qualities about the other person. After a little favorable interaction they decide to start Christian dating. The first date goes well as each single Christian pours out what they have been missing and what they are seeking. It is music to their ears or at least to one of these single Christians. They decide to set a second date. The anticipation builds for this second date with the feelings running rampant. It appears that these single Christians have met someone of their dreams. Their soul mate has arrived in grand style. The second date arrives and the two “kids” are running on high octane. They quickly reminisce over the first date and what has been developing in their Christian dating interactions. THEN IT HAPPENS. The conversation turns to marriage. Out of space this long-awaited word is spoken into reality. From normal Christian dating to a huge leap into outer space or what I call fantasyland has just occurred after dating only twice. Reality has been left behind after dating only twice. What is so terrible about discussing marriage early in a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship One of two situations quickly forms in response to marriage being brought up at this stage It is usually the man that brings the suggestion of marriage into the early conversations. If the woman agrees she has just bought a ticket on a fast trip to a likely disaster. A man who is guided by shallow feelings can just as quickly change and leave her at the station. If she agrees and they quickly rush to marriage without really getting to know one another and bonding in a healthy manner she will find herself with a lot of work to do AFTER the wedding or in a divorce. I believe that this is a major contributor to the reason that there is an almost 70% divorce rate for second marriages. If the man is moving too quickly and the woman is wise she will step back from the Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship. The very thing that the man was hoping to accomplish has now blown up in his face. He has just confessed that he is filled with his own selfish needs and not interested in taking the time to get to know her and build a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship. Loneliness and void create strong forces. If one feels sorry and “feeds” these feelings they will soon be taken under as if in a giant tornado. Find ways to move out of your isolation and into the company of friends and family. Let the Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship build slowly. Grabbing the first person that responds to you in a positive manner and running off to the altar is not the way to “satisfy” the force. You are only replacing it with another force – and the odds are you will not be happy with what you find in marriage. There is a law that is beginning to surface as I relate to Christian singles. The law is that the older one becomes the more foolish they will be about their choices for a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship. I hear the opposite expressed to me over and over again. It goes something like “I am ___ and old enough to know exactly what I want and need.” Evidence does not prove this statement to be true. I met with an 81-year-old man this past week that is seeking a mate. He will not listen to any suggestion that he may not marry again. He is consumed with finding a mate. He has been a widow for 7 months and the force is strong within him. Age does not make you wiser when it comes to a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship. Relax I do not care what your age is or your circumstances God is working for your good. Partner with Him and seek His Spirit’s guidance and blessing on every step. Do not follow the temptation to take matters into your own hands and make your own choices. My ears are ringing from those who have done so and now are crying out with remorse. When it comes to wisdom in your Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationships I leave you with one final question. Would you rather spend your life single or married to a person who brings hell into your world I know that you would quickly share that you want to be married to the right person. I agree – and challenge you to take the time to slowly build a Christian dating or Christian “courting” relationship when opportunities present themselves. Time is your friend and not your enemy as Satan would have you believe. 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